Press Gang

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KHYBER PASS, MONDAY Mrs Thatcher became the first Western leader to lead an attack on the Sewiet army when she led Afghan troops into action yesterday.

The British Prime Minister stood on a rocky spur above the Khyber Pass and told thousands of cheering guerrillas "The Afghans will never submit to foreign tyranny. They will fight to the end."

Her condemnation of 'Godless communists and foreign tyrants" translated into Pushtu, raised a roar of approval.

Mrs Thatcher led a helicopter attack on a village inside Afghanistan stormed the hospital where she bravely hurled handgrenades into a ward full of Russian soldiers.

This is believed to be the first hospital that Mrs Thatcher has personally demolished although she has ordered the destruction of several hundred in Britain.

Her husband, Mr Dennis Thatcher, examined a captured Russian rifle and took few potshots into the refugee camp. Later Mrs Thatcher visited the wounded, passing a sign saying "No men beyond this point"

Thatener: The Ajghans will never submit to foreign domination, but the Irish better lie down After returning from her attack in a Russian M-18 helicopter, Mrs Thatcher sat down to dine on Russian eye-balls, and promised massive aid - another f2 miltion on top of the £5.8 million already donated.

This money, she said to roars of laughter, would go to buy "bandages"

Mrs Thatcher, and President Zia, her host, sat at a table set on red carpets on the desert floor and listened while one of the elders described the agony of the Afghan people.

"Respectable Prime Minister," he said, "Our people fight valiantly against oppression. Why do the world's powers not provide the weapons to enable the Mojahedin to defeat the Russians? Send us the weapons."

Tribesmen danced wildly and fired their Lee Enfield rifles as they lunched on chicken, mutton, rice and flat bread. Crowds of men and boys waved and shouted "Long live Mrs Thatcher".

Later Mrs Thatcher boarded a jet back to Britain clutching as a souvenir a shrunken skull of one of the Godless communists she has pledged herself to fight.

As soon as she arrived back in Britain, she went straight to a London hospital to visit injured members of the Irish Guards. Mrs Thatcher hit out at fundraising for republican famities in America. "They say this money goes to help families, but everyone knows it goes to buy nail bombs."

Mrs Thatcher is said to be planning a special tour of America, to counter fundraising attempts by the Republican movement. "See how they're spending your money," she said.