Press Gang Pregnancy

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analysis...

yourself But isn't it really the through." ideology to a different tune? ISN'T IT marvellous how in the darkest hour a little ray of sunshine, or stardust in this case, lights on our sorry world and shows us how trivial our own little troubles are in comparison with the wonder of Life Itself?

What matters a few mill ion dole scroungers unable to get on their bikes? Death and destruction, torture and nuclear annihilation, pale into insignificance beside the wonder of a well-filled womb.

1lam, November 6th: the world held its breath, and then exhaled in a gentle collective sigh of awe and contentment. Barefoot children on the dark continent thrilled to the news with lofty duchesses. The universal human soul stirred to one refrain: Ah, the glory of motherhood. God save our Di. God bless the babe. God help us all.

Even hedonists and heretics were hushed. The cynical and sarcastic, the spiteful spinsters, the loudmouthed lesbians, were silent. The Mystery of His Ways was revealed in all its opacity.

He moved, for we see the evidence, but how he moved we know not.

The Lord Mayor of London proffered this insight: 'Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God'.

A trifle unromantic perhaps, the reference to so RO Bosses League.

The Human League continue where the idol of the 'cult of individualism' -David Bowie - left off. I bet that a lot of copies of Dare (their recently released album) have already found their way into teenagers bedrooms bursting with Bowie records!

«We knew we were going 1o be a top group two years apo. Definitely. We'd got all the names trade marked so people couldn't rush out and make T-shirts because we were going to be so popular," modestly remarked lead singer and chief instigator Phil Oakey.

But I suppose you should give credit where credit is due. The Human League have obviously hit on a winning formula. I just find it the same old boring story.

There's nothing 'Dare'ing about. Dare. Which doesn't in itself mean it's an awful album. But let's have a look. carnal an activity as insufflation, but it does, wth the acuity so characteristic of his eminence, capture the cosmic significance of the event. One cannot imagine such poetry issuing forth from the commie canaille at County Hall.

Indeed, it has been rumoured that Mr Ken Livingstandard, the IRA bomber and self-styled leader of the so-called Greater (!) London Council, has ungraciously declined to be present at the birth.

Good riddance! You can bessure he would only attend in order to perpetrate nefarious 'acts with the obstetric forceps.

If there is one thing that is guaranteed to detract from the rightful solemnity and dignity of the occasion, it's Marxists among the midwifery.

Like every mum-to-be the world over, our Princess will be asking herself The Question: will it be British?

Statistically there is a 58.8 per cent chance of lovely Di's baby being British.

Modern science has ways of discovering these things, even before the birth. Sophisticated scanning equipment can reveal foreign babies while still in the womb.

•But like most expectant girls, Di will probably choose to remain in suspense.

Ck A group of on-the-make musicians, lumped under the 'new romantics catch-all, make a couple of non-commercial singles and look promising. But they don't get any mass success, only a semi-underground cult following, so they split up and Heaven 17 is the by-product.

Next step-bop up the style, buy some new makeup and add two attractive 18-ycar old women (who subsequently fail their 'A' levels).

Next write a good old fashioned heterosexual love song and call it Love Action (I Believe in Love)'.

"When you're in love, You know you're in love.

No matter what you try to do You might as well resign To what you're going (Absolute meaningiess Yet modern researchers believe it is even possible to determine such things before conception. Diet has a lot to do with it. The foreign genes thrive on rich spicy foods and garlic, while brown sauce, mushy peas and mugs of tea give good old British genes a push in the right direction.

Of course, Di will have to look after her health. Though as Major General Bloodbaker, an authority on royal breeding, points out, 'Healthy young girls, like thoroughbred fillies, can usually take anything that pregnancy cares to throw at them, short of a hefty kick in the flanks. Even then, a linseed rub-down and a bag of oats is generally sufficient to restore them to their customary high spirits'.

The other question which will concern the lucky Princess as her elfin figure blossoms into the opulent ripeness of maternity, is how to clothe new-found abundance. News is that the contract has already gone to Emmanuelle 2, who was responsible for that fairy-tale matrimonial ensemble.

The christening robe, it is said, will comprise 15 miles hand knotted silk inacrame. Maternity socks and nursing gloves, from individually plucked mouse hair, will be imported from strife-torn Guatemala.

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Hi-Fi Today nonsense).

Then go on Top of the Pops and whizz up the charts and then ieleast Dare ..

Same old boring story!

Generally the consensu is that rock music is at the moment bland and that we deserve something better Every other record seems tc be a re-make or a re-release Elvis Costello has gone back to Country and West ern, Joe Jackson, a decade earlier to swing. So some of the Human League appeal i! that they are actually stepping in the right direc tion.

Or are they? Certainl the technology is. What witl Roland Micro-composers Drum computers and assor ted synthesisers, it isn exactly the stuff that garagi bands are made of. same old reactionary pop